How Well Do You Know Yourself?
My 33rd year of life was magical. It was a time of quest and introspective thinking. It isn’t that I had never been deep or adventurous before then. Actually it has always been my nature, but I am also adept in self-discipline. From the outside looking in this may seem like a winning set of personality traits, that’s from the outside.
I suppose before I get any further along in my point, you should first hear my confession. Maybe it was genetics, maybe it was the abuse I suffered in childhood, maybe mother didn’t hug me enough, or maybe I was just an undisciplined brat kid, who didn’t like it hearing no; point being, as long as I can remember I’ve had a wicked temper. I can remember things just going black and coming through later to witness the damage I had done. Blood, busted doors, walls kicked in, hurt feelings, and other miscellaneous actions or words spoken; and I could never take them back. I wasn’t really sure where it all came from, but it was there; and it was going to destroy me. Something would fill me up so quickly, seizing the helm with lightning storm like fury. Reason, rationality, and compassion were unattainable; I became rage incarnate. It is because of this I know man can be possessed.
To not labor too much more on this, I suppose it is fair to say; despite my actions I was not looking for a life of solitude. I wasn’t the only one that was tired of my shit, and before I knew it, I was sitting across from a latent mindfucker. This guy was trying to get deep into me. Maybe it was because this guy sat like a lady riding a horse, or the fact that he licked his lips whenever I talked; I just refused to let this guy do his job. I knew his job was to help me open up and figure out for myself what was making me so angry. I couldn’t help it he gave me the creeps, but I did have a moment of brilliance from the experience; why couldn’t I look into myself and figure it out?
That is what I began doing, this 14 year old boy; began a journey to which he would never return from. That adept discipline I mentioned earlier, was directly a result of this psychonautic alchemy. I remember thinking, as I walked out of Dr. Epstein’s office, to myself; this guy is a real head-trip who really gives me the creeps. There were a few times where he had gotten me to start letting my guard down, that made me feel vulnerable. I really did not like that one bit. The fact that he literally made my skin crawl. I wondered if his wife knew, he was into young males. I really can’t say for certain, but I still to this day, cannot shake the hunch that it was the case. The relevance of that fact isn’t prominent regardless. What is important here, is that I imagined the potential for misuse in the man’s technical training. After all folks who’ve have little to no understanding of human psychology, could be easily manipulated. Once again, why couldn’t I do it myself.
It seemed reasonable to me to change any one thing about myself, I would have to do it in three stages. Study, formulate, and act upon. I began studying the periods of rage. Looking for what triggers them, any commonalities shared by them, and what made them so intense. To solve this problem, I would have to know myself. This skill I would continue to hone for the next 19 years. The end result of it led to the development of a process which I will further explain through out this website.